First few bars of the opening score
Ash: My name is Ash. And I am a slave.
Ash: Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 AD, and I’m being dragged to my death. It wasn’t always like this. I had a real life, once.
Ash: Shop smart, shop S-Mart! *corny giggle*
Ash: Necronomicon Ex Mortis: the book of the dead
Ash: It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
Ash: It came back. Big time.
Ash: For God’s sake, how do you stop it?
Ash: *yells as he’s slammed around in the interdemensional vortex to an orchestral score*
Ash: Where…in…the..hell…
Ash: I wasn’t looking for no trouble
Soldier (Stabbing Ash’s car): What a piece of armor this is!
Ash: I Say: to the pit with him!
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well, hellooo Mister Fancypants! I’ve got news for you, pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now: jack and shit. And jack left town…
Ash: Well hello, Mister Fancy Pants!
Ash: I’ve got news for you, pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now: jack and shit. And jack left town…
Ash: I…I never even saw these assholes before!
Ash: You know, your shoelace is untied…
Ash: I don’t like being…sucker punched!
Ash: Get the gum out of your ears and listen up!
Ash: See this? This…is my BOOMSTICK. It’s a twelve gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line.
Ash: See This? This…is my BOOMSTICK.
Ash: All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!
Ash: That’s right: shop smart, shop S-Mart.
Ash: Who wants some? Who’s next, huh? How about it? Who wants some? Huh? Who wants to have a little?
Ash: You want a little?
Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. (Spits) Blow.
Witch: You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!
Ash: It’s a trick, get an axe.
Ash: Yo, she-witch. *Cocks Gun* Let’s go.
Ash: Yo, she-bitch. *Cocks Gun* Let’s go.
Ash: H’yah!
*mechanical whirring*
Ash: Groovy
Ash: Groovy
Ash: s’the matter, raised in a barn? Shut the door. *Mumbling under his breath* probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives…
Ash: Don’t touch that, please! Your primitive intellect wouldn’t understand alloys and compositions and things with…molecular structure and the…
Ash: Gimmie some sugar, baby
Ash: *flatly*: Klaatu Verata Nickto.
Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words all right?
Ash: *screams as he’s catapulted into a mud puddle*
Ash: How about some hot chocolate, huh? *mocking cackle*
Ash: How’d you like the taste of that, eh?
Ash: Mmm, what a horrible nightmare. Wait a minute. Oh God. I can’t move!
Ash: Oops
Ash (to the tiny ashes): Oh, you little bastards!
Ash: *singing*: London bridge is falling down! Falling down! Falling downnnn!
*steps on a nail*
Tiny Ashes: My fair lady! HAH!
Bad Ash: ooh! I’m blind, I’m blind!
Bad Ash: You sound like a jerk!
Bad Ash: I’m bad Ash! And you’re good Ash! You’re a goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes, goody little two shoes! *giggles*
*Sound of a gun cocking*
Bad Ash: *hollers*
*Thudding*
Bad Ash: I’m bad Ash! And you’re good Ash! You’re a goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes, goody little two shoes! *giggles*
Ash: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.
Ash: Hey, uh, what’s that you’ve got on your face?
Bad Ash: Huh? *SPUTTERS as Ash tosses dirt on his face*
Ash: That’ll teach ya!
Ash: “Hold it – nobody said anything about three books…”
Ash: Woah. Wrong book…
Ash: Get back to you…
Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu….Verata…Ni*HACKING COUGH*
Ash: Woah. Wait a minute. The words. Say the words
*takes a deep breath*
Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu Verata…..
*pause as he realizes he doesn’t remember the last word*
Ash: Necktie, nectre, nickel….noodle. It’s an n word. It’s definitely an ‘n’ word. It’s DEFINITELY an ‘n’ word.
*pausing*
Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu….Verata…Ni*HACKING COUGH*
*Distant rumble*
Ash: Okay then!
Ash: *deep-voiced* Okay then! That’s it!
Ash: keep your damn filthy bones out of my mouth
Bad Ash: I…live….AGAIN
Wiseman John: Something’s wrong, something’s amiss!
Ash: So you just leave it be.
Wiseman John: When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah…basically…
Ash: Whoah woah woah, right there Spinach Chin
Ash: Well, that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby. That’s all!
Sheila: What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private?
Ash: Aww, well that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby
Bad Ash: Give me some sugar, baby
Ash: “Go head run, run to mama”
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.
Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me…
Evil Sheila: I may be bad, but I feel…good.
Ash: We can take these Deadites, we can take ‘em! With science!
Ash: Maybe, just maybe my boys can stop them from getting the book. Yeah, and maybe I’m Chinese jet pilot.
Ash: Yeahhhhh baby!
Ash: Oh, that’s gotta hurt!
Bad Ash: Oh, you miserable bags of bones! Pick yourselves up and sally fah! Sally fath! Sally forth!
Ash: Keep your sardine can on!
Ash: Say hello to the 21st century! Ye-HAH!
Ash: Bye-bye!
*Shoots Deadite, which squawks in pain*
Deadite soldier: I’ll cut yer gizzard out!
Ash: Come to Papa!
Evil Sheila: You found me beautiful once.
Ash: Honey, you got real ugly.
Bad Ash: The Book Is Mine!
Bad Ash: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
Ash: Buckle up, bonehead, ‘cause you’re going for a ride!
Skeletons: Retreat! Retreat!
Skeleton: Let’s get the hell out of here! Ahhh!
Anthony the Stockboy: Did you say the words right this time?
Ash: Well, maybe I didn’t say every single tiny little syllable no, but basically I said ‘em, yeah. Basically…
Ash: Look, maybe I didn’t say every single tiny little syllable no, but basically I said ‘em, yeah.
Ash: Lady, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store.
Deadite Shopper: Who the hell are you?!
Ash: Name’s Ash. *Cocks Gun*. Housewares.
Ash: Name’s Ash. *Cocks Gun*. Housewares.
S-Mart Deadite: I’ll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some!
Ash: Come get some!
Ash (Monologuing): Sure I could’ve stayed in the past. Could’ve even been king. But in my own way, I am king.
Ash (Aloud): Hail to the king, baby
Ash: Hail to the King, Baby